there are three minutes until the alarm goes off,
four before i have to start, and it's one of those days
where my mind is mechanical and my neck feels like breaking.

i'm obviously not over this...

I said “I’m sorry” even though I’m not and I don’t care. You didn’t deserve it, the apology I mean. The so called “pain” you felt when I left is probably as fake as my apology. So we’re even. We were meant to hurt each other, we’re addicted to it, that’s why we keep coming back. I’ll never mean as much as she does to you and the only thing I’ve got on her is the ability to make you hurt.
And you like it.

"i'm only as loyal as my options"

My hands still shake on their own. Just another failed attempt to shake it off.
I didn't mean the words I said because I knew your were listening. I’m appropriately under dressed and alone and it's all about who you become in the middle of the night; blurry eyed and stumbling to the only place that feels safe.
I can't even keep these feelings down. Swallowing every last hope, and throwing everything but my hands up. Sometimes the best lines are written for you.

i threw you out today. and i'm not sorry. you fell and had nowhere to cling.
so you fell on me. fuck it. i'm not here to catch you.
i would say it was written in the sky because it just so happened to be. i sat and fell in love with every word you didn't speak and you just wanted to fuck.
but now i'm catching your eyes from across an ocean and the waves are crashing on me.
what about all those times i was speaking and you were listening?
I'M SPEAKING, GOD DAMN IT. and you're never actually listening.
what if I so called "fell in love" again would you still keep your mouth closed and eyes straight?

I doubt it.

i have bedroom eyes when i walk down the hallway. but they're not looking at you.
didn't you tell me I was untouchable?
didn't you tell me it could neverevereverever happen to me?
didn't i scream in a climatic state to every god I wish I fucked?
I waited for you
and you waited
and you're palms pretended to sweat as much as mine
I guess the joke's on me?

here's to never having you

I am messy, I am tired and vaguely worried about how things are turning out, but I still balance the phone on my chest at night, I remember sleeping with your jacket covering me.

And I'm still thinking of ways to be more thorough and how to show you that to fight, you never have to form a fist or say anything less than what you mean

this is it

I’ll tell you the worst of me and try to give you the best of me because you don’t deserve any less.